Ever since the last night I had spent at my Tammy, my daughter’s bed side, I am unable to put on paper a eulogy. I feel unable to write something that will express, verbally, all that is happening inside me… not even now, about six months later.

I am writing things briefly as they come inside me & make me feel“ fepush out, to get me to verbally express… not always, though, & it does not  always fit this website… yes, it is beyond overwhelming , it spills all over, overflows.

When we came back to Hagor cemetary, on the end of the Seventh Day since…  standing there near Tammy’s fresh grave, after Kadish & El Maleh Rahamim were cited, & without thinking-planning anything, I checked w Ruttie if she wanted to continue w something (as she sang on the funeral a song for Tammy, which Tammy liked, & before I myself identified what was going on w me, what was bursting out of me… something burst out of me…why & for what???

I was not prepared, & I was not even sure I could recall the words of Shaul Tschernichovsky’s poem, I started – yes, in my very hoarse voice – to sing his famous poem “I Believe”. Even later, upon recalling what has happened I was unable to solve my own question. It felt as if possibly the poem “came upon me at night”, while thinking about my Tammy, I was still unable to clear for myself: Why & for what? I could recall the melody, but both verses??? In a sore voice that in recent years could hardly take part singing when lighting Hanukah candles, I was still not reluctant to sing.

What the unconscious  ignites! When I came back & read & sang softly the melody I was further shocked. Even now, very early morning, & again & as usual, I am thinking of Tammy, the song is in me. I have to admit now, that reading it does something inside me…

I thought that possibly I can ask someone else, out of the people who knew Tammy here, in Israel & also others, may be you will have thoughts, words, sentences in this connection.    So that may be I will be able to better understand, w the help of these words what is going on in my UCS.

I decided to let you in on this, despite the great difficulty I still experience writing on this screen.

“So why, mommy, why my tears are just coming down on their own???”

& it’s so hard, impossible!!!

How, how can I accept – in silence?!?!

How is it possible to not ask a question?

How not even cry, scream my grievance, my complaint?!?!?!?!

Doubt??!?!? Sound a very bitter, unaccepting scream!!!

How is it possible??? Was I misled???

I was hoping, asking, begging – night & day & so on & so forth!!!

What really happened here in these past months???

Why here, in my birthplace

_ here I am!!! I finally am closer & closer to my daughter, my beloved…

​

Indeed, this is contradicting every & all that we wanted, asked for, begged for?!

After all these years, just as it seemed as if almost everything would be better, that we’ll live here & have a chance doing all that was postponed through the years that the ocean separated between us.